trust in a divine plan

“What’s wrong?” my wife Rita asks as i realized that i couldn’t quite hide my angst and frustration from her for very long.  i’ve been quiet, all day, moving about the house from my office to the kitchen and back to my desk or meditation chair, as if changing the scenery would answer the critical doubt following me around like a hound dog on the scent.  “How do i handle and work with the spiritual longing that still floats up from the ocean of my heart’s desire to experience that unbounded “no self” 24/7.”  The longing had moved me into sadness and i was besides myself .

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Nights are my new days

Each night while i sleep there seems to be a part of my soul that wakes up, shaves and showers, gets dressed and ready for work; the night shift…a process of remembering and healing.  Last night my first interview was with the fear of not being good enough. There i was facing it’s illusions and my interpretation of them.  my lunar cycle had shifted and now my nights are my new days and my days have become as peaceful as sleep.   Continue Reading →

let thy will be done the ultimate surrender

The most beautiful words with their magnificent meanings and melodies are yet still words and concepts and thereby fall short of the reality of how we get to know ourselves.  The past descriptions of my many evenings in the tub are standing up to testify tonight as i find myself struggling with the worst of all my hive attacks; stripped of all my bliss and physical comfort.  i still have my inner peace but that doesn’t shield me from the pain (spoiler alert?)  As i write this post somewhere around the corner of 5:30am, still falling into the depths of the unknown, the only words i can find are “let thy will be done the ultimate surrender.”   Continue Reading →

out of my cocoon

Over a year ago, after i completed my last class i decided to take a break from speaking and sharing as i felt that my newborn awakening, at the time, prevented me by default from leading others.  my enthusiam for sharing was crushed by the weight of what i didn’t know; i tried for as long as my excitement could hold me but as the depth of my new reality was fathomed i needed to back away and reassess.  my blog was my rudder as i meandered through my early experiences in awakening until just recently when feeling completely re-assembled, like a butterfly, I was ready to come out of my cocoon… back on purpose.  Continue Reading →

holding my true self

Sitting here blissfully enjoying the early morning sun which seems so natural and yet just 9 hours ago i was in extreme discomfort.  I was nudged awake in the middle of the night with back pain, hives and a swollen face.  This perfect storm of circumstances had brought forth an old way of holding myself that i thought was gone.  An old identity that helped me, a long time ago through a difficult time in my life when i was in a great deal of back pain, was back.   Continue Reading →

breaking-through into bliss

My first awakening experience was filled with grace, most unexpectedly, and completely out of my control.  Since then the tables have been shifted and i seemed to be doing all the heavy lifting. Such has been the case over the last few days, being laid low with bizarre physical symtoms that had me on the ropes for many days.  Just a few hours ago it finally released me, as if to say, “lesson learned”, as i felt a breaking-through into bliss.  Continue Reading →

only loving is left

Up until a few months ago my daily practice has been to wake up every morning and ask myself  “what can i do today to further along my awakening?  My desire to “do” something seemed logical but not quite in alignment with my heart.  Some still small piece of my monkey mind kept trying to divert my attention back to doing and then the answer came to me like a whispering voice in my head “there is nothing more to do… only loving is left.” Continue Reading →

i thought…nothing is happening

It has been some time since my last post.  The answer to that is very simple and i laugh so hard as the words roll off my lips, i thought… that nothing was happening.  The powerful waves of bliss and energy subsided months ago and except for a subtle sense of deep peace, that has become indistinguishable from myself, i have settled back from differentiating any experience as “normal” or “awakening.”   Continue Reading →

milestone where the rubber meets the road

For the last few months i have had this sense that some substantial shift within me has occurred.  Sniffing the scent in the air like an approaching season, i sense deep within my being that a milestone where the rubber meets the road has already occurred and it is chasing after me like a parent trying to catch a screaming child that refuses to go to bed.   Continue Reading →

drops in the ocean

For the last few months time has passed like drops in the ocean each offering a new promise and new direction only to be fulfilled before becoming the ocean and losing it individual significance.  In this way since my last post i have been in a cycle of expansion followed by a restart back to my beginnings demonstrating once again that life and the absolute are unequivocality the same.  No matter where the absolute-bliss takes me i always return back to myself, my body, my ocean.   Continue Reading →