what’s desire?

My post have finally caught up to the present now so i feel as if i’m finally journaling “live.” i just returned from visiting one on my favorite bakeries in Los Angeles, where i am soon to bake myself.  Little did I know that I would come to ask myself “what’s desire” 

For the last 5 years baking has been a source of great self-expression, creativity, and enjoyment.  Baking was not my first but the one following my love of Chocolate.   Last December i hooked up with Alex one of the owner’s of Lodge bakery and in conversation he said bring your dough by and bake it our new deck oven.  OMG, i thought, i’m in heaven, as i dreamed of how my loaves would look coming out of a professional oven.

Since December so much has happened, travel, family etc.  So i never got back to him.   Finally when I decided to get my starter ready i discovered that my starter was dead.  i had to ask ted and peg to mail some lol.

Today i dropped by Lodge to check in with Alex.  i wasn’t ready for the surprise that was waiting for me.  i looked around, and said “nice.”  Nice???  Are you kidding me, what happened to WOW I love it here and I can’t wait to get in front of that oven!

Something has changed?

While I still wanted to bake with Alex, it didn’t seem to have the same urgency it had the last time I was there.  The level of my enthusiasm was quite different.  I almost felt indifferent to whether I bake there or not.  It was the absent of the need and urgency of doing it that was missing.

Since Feb 15th I’ve noticed a lot of changes in my life, so what was different in this situation.  While for one, this is an enjoyable experience and I guess I didn’t expect that a pleasant “identification” would fall away.  I was wrong.

It was an automatic knowing that my identification with baking had shifted.  i no longer needed to be a baker for the same purposes.  i was no longer looking at baking for a confirmation that I was okay or good, or great, or different than anyone else.

i can still bake and enjoy it, for it’s own sake, but as a description of who “i am,” forget it, that was over.  It felt like someone else just updated my handbook, leaving me to discover the new release of ed fox; after the fact.

I sense more unknown is around the corner as I ponder what’s next?

edo

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