For the last few months time has passed like drops in the ocean each offering a new promise and new direction only to be fulfilled before becoming the ocean and losing it individual significance. In this way since my last post i have been in a cycle of expansion followed by a restart back to my beginnings demonstrating once again that life and the absolute are unequivocality the same. No matter where the absolute-bliss takes me i always return back to myself, my body, my ocean.
My most recent discovery and challenge came after weeks of bliss that took me so beyond life’s pleasures and woes only to returned me to the same life i had before; experiencing the same ups and downs with the only difference being that i wasn’t attached; but then why come back to a duality, attached or not?
When i finally discovered that all i wanted was bliss, inquiry led me to question why. i realized that i had created or inherited a belief that life should only be bliss and that life’s ups and downs is the human yoke that enlightenment was supposed to release me from. It all cracked open with the revelation that i wasn’t seeking a “higher” awakening but just a release from the pain and suffering. There is nothing wrong with that except that i promised myself to go all the way.
My ego screamed with contempt and defense as it’s “achilles heel” remained open and vulnerable to my inquiry and i cried out “oh no” how could i have decieved myself so well and so long… till now.
Then the golden, soma-like, drops of knowing began to trickle into my awareness releasing me from this anguish, filling my thoughts with understanding and acceptance. The kind of receptivity that allows me to fathom and perceive that this round trip that seemed so unfair has nothing to do with awakening but the integration of my awakening into my body and world.
Detaching from bliss allows me to return to my body, mind, and thoughts with a newfound understanding that remaining totally in bliss, how wonderful it may be, or how frightening it might be to let go of, is my next lesson.
The concept of detaching from bliss, if only a little, seems so ass backwards, to my old picture of awakening; but is so vital to not getting stuck along the path. Having spent so many months praying for it not to leave and now being directed to focus beyond it is a challenge in and of itself. It will take some time getting used to this.
While my mind says yes, my heart remains indecisive but open.
Love to you all.
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