It’s been over 10 months since I’ve worked and part of my experience of being indefinitely un-employed is waking up each morning with the same familiar question trailblazing through my awakening consciousness “God will today be the day that I find some work, get financially on my feet, and feel like a man?”
This morning however was very different, my first thought was that something was different. There was a sense of a cloud of energy around and behind my eyes that at first seemed to be the heralding of a cold or fever. As the day went on I couldn’t confirm my diagnosis, as my body was alert, energetic and symptom free. My mind was confused and dis-oriented and I wrote it off as the result of a wonderful and exhausting trip to Boulder, just a few days ago, when we took care of our grandchildren Mila and Isla.
Forty years of TM meditation had created a deep-seated desire for realizing my true nature. In all honesty, after the first twenty years of meditating with no signs of awakening, I had unconsciously given up. I gave it my best shot and at least I had that. The “seeker” of all those higher states of consciousness that drove me on in my earlier years had one eye open, just in case, but that was just a habitual response. Only a few years earlier I began to convince myself that it was too late, I was too old and as a result the regularly of my meditations fell off some.
This morning, my seeker opened its other eye, alerting me, as I lay in bed, that maybe something is up? No, I have no data in my memory bank of a brain that can interpret this as the mother lode. Strangely enough while my brain was saying no, my body was screaming at me. Every cell in my head was alive and firing and I felt a silent whisper, no it was more like an intuition, telling me that this is different, new territory, an unknown unchartered yet vitally important experience. With no What-Why-How information this vital message went over my head.
Utterly confused my only solace was that I intuitively knew that I was altered, and although my seeker was totally stumped, I felt for the first time that my body had a “mind” and was communicating with me without any mental interpretation. It was whispering that everything is perfect.
More to come…
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