Each night while i sleep there seems to be a part of my soul that wakes up, shaves and showers, gets dressed and ready for work; the night shift…a process of remembering and healing. Last night my first interview was with the fear of not being good enough. There i was facing it’s illusions and my interpretation of them. my lunar cycle had shifted and now my nights are my new days and my days have become as peaceful as sleep.
We sat there in the office of my dreaming mind checking out and testing each others personas. My fear tells me i’m incomplete and missing something tangible for a place in the world. In this night dream i stutter for a moment not knowing how to counter. On other nights (with a faint memory of my days peace) i would have argued my point with denial and confused certainty; like moving the pencils and papers around the desk in a effort to avoid the choice to see the lie and ultimately… my truth. Last night, for some inexplicable reason i just remained silent and still, not defending nor declaring, just being in the moment of a different dream when my awareness shifted and i remembered-experienced who i was. Like a “trump card” in the card-game of awareness nothing beats it and winner takes all. The conversation stilled and i remembered that i was dreaming in my bed.
Prior to this lunar reverse i was experiencing an incredible prolonged deep peace that just overshadowed all perceptions and sensations. It started in Teotichucan in October and lasted not quite three weeks. Those days flowed seamlessly up until my first “work night.” It was if some quality of my ego mind decided “hey” “maybe we can get to him during the night” “let’s give it try what do we have to lose.”
Perhaps i believed that once the mind awoke on one level of awareness it was awoken on all? I will never know for sure but who cares really! I have learned over the last few years that whenever i think i know something, it adds one more brick onto the structure of what i call my personage; the identity that I mistakingly think i am.
I have watched myself and realized that I only suffer or feel lost when i am identified with my person. It is true that people and persons have this inheritance but when my “no-self” or true self is consciously with me the “I” that is observing everything has no problems that can cause suffering, can never be threaten, or dependent upon anything. It is that consciousness which support everything else; it can’t be born, it can never die, and is God’s Divine plan for us.
Blessings Love, and Gratitude
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