Sitting in my favorite meditation chair in my office, i glance across at my altar where Buddha sits so grandly covered in beads and adornments; there he is, the quinessential icon of awakening, prompting me to close the eyes and be quiet. In the pit of my stomach i feel his being, and his life-long journey to Buddha-hood and as i lower my eyelids and dive within myself i sense a lonely longing for the exquisite experience of union with the divine follow me to the depths of my being.
“What is this wetness on my cheeks” i call out as i recover my sense of presence “it’s tears omg i’m crying?” i’m peacefully crying as the longing bubbles up to the surface of my consciousness – one bubble after another – and with it comes the memory of the everlasting truth that blasted me out of the paradigm of this world some 40 years ago in the small New Mexico town of Las Cruces.
My tears seem to have a mind of their own and they feel very connected to eachother – an ocean of tears that i have shed my entire life. So later that same day another tear woke up in my consciousness and i was taken back to an old memory perhaps 25 years ago when my heart was broken into a million pieces and there was no where to go but within.
My dear friend David had invited me to Cobb Mountain California for a TM residence course he was leading, I guess he didn’t know what else to do for me as the separation from Tara had just ripped a big whole in the universe of my being. I packed the car with just the essentials for a few days excursion and made sure that my worn out copy of “A Course in Miracles (ACIM)” was by my side then i hit the 405 freeway not knowing what to expect since i wasn’t really going for the TM thing, but just to see my dear friend’s face.
The Cobb Mountain retreat center was an old converted motel and in the fall you could sense the old inferstructure with it’s lack of insulation and modern comforts. It was the “perfect” setting to ignite a massive surrender. i laid in bed that second night not feeling any measurable relief from my heartache. i was quickly losing all sense that there was anything i could do, or had any control in comforting myself. I felt extremely useless and powerless losing all hope and sense of control over my life. I suddenly became very afraid and started to panic when i remembered my old friend, the ACIM book, and grabbed it off the nightstand and hugged it as if I was embracing Jesus in the flesh.
The “course,” back then in the 80’s was my first introduction into the art of forgiveness and surrender and i began to embrace it as much as I could; giving me a direct line to Jesus. My hebrew ancestors would have been rolling in their graves if they could have seen this Jewish boy from the Bronx tossing around in a cold bed high in the California Mountains moaning, crying and praying for Jesus to help him.
i was in and out of sleep most of the night (hugging the book) for dear life until what felt like the early morning when sudennly i felt an energy enter my body just below the abdomen. It felt like a hand moving up my torso and when it started to moved toward my head my body released all of it’s tension and my mind felt as if it was home and protected. In a matter of minutes the “hand” moved above my head and i immediately fell into the most relaxing deep sleep.
i awoke mid-morning a totally different person. i was in love with life, the moment and everything my senses could percieve. i was hugging trees and caressing the vegetation and even gave David such a prolong good morning hug that he looked at me with a knowing grin.
Every emotion and every tear (universes within themselves) are created and set into motion like a divine orchestra playing out the symphony of our self-realization; co-conducted by ourselves and our creator.
Blessings & Love
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