chasing memories

There was a story in my family that i almost didn’t make it past the age of 18 months.  Supposedly double bronchial pneumonia did a jihad on my lungs leaving serious scar tissue.  i only learned about it because my mom would use it as a scare tactic to get me out of the swimming pool during the summers at Shorehaven recreational park in the East Bronx.  Little did i know that i would be chasing down these memories as i ultimately reverse roles with my mom. 

i’m not back a week from visiting my mom, still feeling the fallout from reliving some old childhood feelings and memories when i woke up a few days ago with a tightness in my chest.   As the day progressed it became more noticeable and i could hear my mind identify the physical sensations – pneumonia.  i have had pneumonia many times and knew the symptoms well, this however did not have all the symptoms yet i jumped to the worst.  i was confused because my body seemed to be confirming my worst fear.

Had my body not been involved i would have been talking with my ego in a New York minute but this was different.  While i am still somewhat identified with my body i didn’t have a chance as my memory-driven-mind formulated a need to run to the doctor.

That’s when my inner advisor stepped in to let me know that the energy has moved into my lungs, as well, balancing and pushing through the early childhood physical and emotional blocks that “woke up” while i was in Florida.

It’s possible that’s why for the last few nights i have been touching into early memories of being in my crib and seeing Dr. Hellman look over at me or give me a penicillin shot.  Mostly i feel the ache in my chest with a sense of danger to my physical being.  i’m not sure how old i am in these memories but that doesn’t really matter.

i’m blessing these sensations as they move through me, knowing that all is perfect, and surrendering any judgements that my mind might come up with to try to make me fearful or scared; like those old days in the pool.

Thank God for Grace, Surrender and my Inner Advisor


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