a different kind of loneliness

This post is a long time coming, because for the last month or so i have been feeling quite lonely without knowing why.  My tribe loves me so attempting to explain something that is beyond words is not cause for feeling alone.  We come from the same spirtual womb and have been trained to expect, one day, that our reality would shift like being dropped off on a different planet left to our own devices.   Knowing this we accept each other unconditionally creating a thread to keep us together while we find the breadcrumbs to lead us back, redefined but back all the same. No, this was different, it is a different kind of loneliness; the result of leaving the thoughts and beliefs that have been with me since i can remember; like a child who grows out his clothes. 

i seems to be at a transition point where these old “concepts and identifications”, are beginning to fade away on their own in reaction to the powerful entrance of the “True Self.”  While they are not all gone i feel a place in my mind that’s empty and alone.

In my earlier years of study i actually believed that these thoughts, beliefs and egoic concepts would either purify or be annihilated by my spiritual practices.  It never occurred to me that nothing about them would change at all except that i would dis-connect from them and re-connect to my True Self.

Still, having said that, i cannot draw a line from the emotion of loneliness to the lack of suffering thoughts in my head.  Everything on the outside looks the same while everything on the inside is being shuffled around.

The best way i can describe it is that inside my mind there is a game going on.  The name of the game is called “musical beliefs.”  Every time the musics stops a belief, concept or identification is removed.  While my True Self sits triumphantly in the center the mind keeps missing the chairs and feels lonely because it used to call the shots and control the game.


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