more boiling…deeper flavors

I never know what each day will bring.  I have decided to continue to refer to Rumi’s ”Chickpea to cook” analogies, simply because it takes this least amount of effort to describe my experiences.   It’s the best I can do when the energy leans strongly on me and the “empty body” fatigue takes hold. 

While yesterday demonstrated that there is “richness” bleeding through the energy into my experiences, today I discovered a new flavor in the soup – that being sorrow.   I had an interview today and it didn’t go well.  I was disappointed, nothing tragic, yet shortly afterwards there it was, an ache in my heart.   At first my high/blissful perception of the world faded and I thought that I had fallen back into the old point of view.

I was sad because my advisor had told me that it would leave one day.  A penetrating heartache followed and for the next hour or so I just wanted to curl up into a ball and cry; but I couldn’t go home as Rita was in session with a client.  So I hung out at my office (Peet’s Coffee shop on San Vicente.) Sometimes it’s better to curl up and sometimes it’s better to stay in action; lucky for me the latter was the case.

Eventually the heartache mellowed into an extreme fatigue encompassing my entire body and I did eventually lie down and watched it settle down.

I’m convince now that my “cooking” had released some old heartache that was stuck in my body and mind from the past.  Apparently I doubted my abilities and especially my confidence to go out into the world and be successful.  No doubt it was probably triggered by the interview.  I’m just glad, now that it has passed, that it did so very quickly.

I’m sensing that if I had resisted, worried about it, or tried to figure it out logically, it wouldn’t have finished its undoing when it did.


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