nothing is as it seems

Whenever i’m not feeling well or injured i always question why; without being able to know for sure whether it is truly a blessing or a curse.  For the past week i have been struggling with a unending cold that has taught me viscerally the valuable lesson that nothing is as it seems.  While my mind engaged in the “outside source” theory of infection my true self was whispering in my ear telling me that it was originating from within.  

My ego started it’s propaganda campaign that first night after the running nose started.  Unable to sleep, with a splitting headache i remained restless in the dark silent Boulder night, as it began with my most toxic worries escalating to my deepest fears of self worth and culminating into how my parents implanted all the necessary ingredients for my lifetime supply of excuses for why i was not worthy period; no less of enlightenment.  I didn’t sleep a wink and was a basket case the entire next day.

As my questioning headache-pounding mind jumped between blessing and curse i finally decided to just surrender.  In my surrendered state i was walking around the house feeling unconnected to everything like a ghost living in a human shell.  i only wanted one thing, i couldn’t eat or sleep, i just want the headache to go away…but it wouldn’t.

The second day and night was more of the same and with it i withdrew even deeper into living within each moment surrendering with no relief.

Reading what i have just written up to this point i would say it sounds very disturbing, and probably the darkest of all my posts.  But it’s the truth and that’s what i promised to myself in this process.

By the third day i was a zombie, but i never shared it with Rita.  Infact she invited our friend Charlie (from Sedona) over for dinner and a stay over.  As they were eating dinner, i remembered that maybe a prayer would help. i went into my office and began to pray to my guides.  “i need some help here…please” was my prayer.  i didn’t pray very long when Rita came in and said “hey let’s go for a walk?” Are you kidding me i thought and then my inner guide said “GO!”

As we walked in the full moonlight, i began to feel better.  With every step  i re-entered my body and felt a renewed attachment to the world and when we got home the headache was completely gone and i felt a soothing tsunami of tiredness overcome me and i went to sleep…finally.

In the days that followed my inner guides consoled me and told me that i had created the cold to learn some seminal lessons on surrender.  i also heard “Be grateful that you didn’t choose a stronger situation to learn from.”

i still have my cold but i don’t mind… i feel reborn.

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