windy past and the swing of life

A howling surrounds me like a pack of wolves announcing a fresh kill. The house rumbles like a freight train as the windows and foundation creaked and moaned as if being pushed and pulled to its limits.  i awoke with a fearful startle and an unexplained sense of dread.  Rubbing the sleep from my eyes i adjust to my surrounding with one solitary question in my mind “what now?”  

Once i came to my senses and realized that a monster windstorm was on the prowl (only later did i learn of the westerly wind warnings of 50 mph gusts.)  i became aware of my unnerved mind.  It wasn’t the wind that was now upsetting me, strangely enough, it was an unexplained and desperate inability to savor the special memories that i have locked away, from my past, deep in my mind for special moments like this; when i need to feel safe and ok.

Every memory that came to me no matter if it was recent or from the past, happy or sad, seemed tormented and foreign.  “What’s going on” i cried out as i continued to search for the one memory that would break the spell; but it never came.

i watched this process, for sometime, unable to do anything, so i decided to get up give myself a haircut, shave, and bath.  What else is there to do at 3:30am and besides i had an interview that morning so why not.

i began to relax in the hot bath and went into a dream state.  My left ear under the water’s surface picked up the steady and comforting beat of my heart as my right ear clearly took in the deep blissful chanting coming from my bluetooth speaker.

There i was on a swing supported by a celestial looking tree moving between heaven with it’s music and the heartbeat of the new life that i was about to enter.  i heard myself say “here I go again” when my right ear must have submerged underwater because the beautiful chanting became faint.  In a nanosecond that can span infinity i felt the lift off; “i’m ready” and then i was gone.

Coming out of the dream i was so relaxed i could hardly move but inside i was alert and recognized the familiar thought pattern of my inner advisor unraveling my earlier distress in bed.

“The influx of your True Self has started to disconnect your my mind from the meaning it has identified with all memories from the past.”

Yes of course, since my mind relied on the “meanings” which is the only thing a mind can do, it must seem like a great tragedy.  It felt similar to watching one of those old 40’s movie where a woman watches her lover pull out of the station, ever so slowly, on a train that will never return.

The loves of my life were departing, in groves, and I had only one choice, as i floated in the waters of rebirth, to just let them go… for now.

Blessings & Light

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