it’s not “what’s real” that counts

This afternoon the body got very excited and unrecognizable.  My consciousness was wavering as the energy keep reaching for a crescendo as my breath quickened and the kriyas got stronger.  i could only describe the sensation as a melting away of the awareness of my body as if it was about to take off into some greater stratospheric unknown.  Earlier that day i had practiced some inquiry while waiting to drive into the car wash.  i had tried a new twist in the inquiry which centered around the question of where my mis-identification lies.   i discovered, for me at least, that the question was flawed and that it’s not “what’s real” that counts but rather “who’s” experiencing it; no matter whether it’s reality or not. 

i came home from the car wash feeling famished and confused as i scurried into the kitchen grabbing the first thing i could find to put into my mouth.  i knew it was an attempt to get back into my vanishing body.  As the body became lighter and more etheric i just watched my physical sense of self try to do whatever it could do to maintain it’s status quo.  i somehow anticipated that the food would ground me, as it did, realizing that my instinctive physical nature took over to preserve itself.  i didn’t question why or felt like it was a test that i had failed.

Over the last three months i have been developing a sense of “earnestness” toward my process and life.  For me earnestness is the ability to be completely and tenderly honest with myself in every way; especially when it comes to being truthful with my self work.  i had to admit that i made a choice to eat and ground myself because i was uncomfortable with my dissolving sense of physical self.  While the difference between where i would like to be and where i am diminishes  my ignoring it will only work against me.

My earnestness keeps my integrity real and intact and i find that when my integrity is intact i have a great abundance of confidence and trust in the Cosmic Intelligence that is governing my process.

This is what keeps me going, moment by moment, stable yet propelling me at what seems like light speed into the unknown.


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