i haven’t written in a long time as i have had nothing new to say except that now i have recognized the feeling that has permeated my sense of being for the last month. This deeper sense of a death to how i relate to my world and myself. It’s not a physical sensation but more like an inability to recognize anything as the familiar “me” or “mine.” An unnerving sense of being someone-something else without the fear for myself. The time of year seems to confirm my knowing, without words, as my dreams have portrayed; death and rebirth – a new year a new life.
A few nights ago i dreamt that a semi truck was drilling down on me and just as it was about to hit me i leaped (in the dream) out of the way and woke up rolling on the floor next to the bed laughing my ass off. It took me a few days to understand the dream.
I’ve learned that every character in the dream is a representation of some aspect of myself. i realized that the semi represents the powerful being of my true self barreling through my false perceptions of myself unstoppable and irreversible on its trajectory to my full awakening. My dream seems like an encrypted message alerting me that, like a semi on the freeway, my awakening is beyond my control.
This comes as no surprise when i stop to think about how the awareness has been communicating with me. During most of my waking hours i experience a sublime awareness around my head area and then at times when least expected or desired, it takes over and all i can do is surrender.
When i feel this rebirth of a new sense of being i need to expend a great deal of energy to stay focused on where i am and what i’m doing. In the span of a second i can find myself not remembering what i was doing or what was asked of me. This can be very vexing for Rita and while i sometimes can manage, there are times i can’t and i just send her love and pray she has the patience to withstand this.
When i’m not “in” the moment i often dream about what it will be like when i move through most of this integration. When i hear about how others took years to get through it and i realize that i’m only months away from my first anniversary…..i just surrender… once again.
Happy New Year tutti
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