a major shift in perception – part 2

i wasn’t home from Florida for more than a day when i began to notice a major shift in my perception especially while watching TV one evening with Rita. On the last leg of my return flight from Florida there was a young man watching the movie “Deadpool.”  The impression i received from the trailers was that this was just another bloody special effect movie; but this kid was really laughing.

So i asked Rita if she was interested and she mention it’s comedic side as well, so we ordered it on Apple TV and were we in for a shock. Now i should come clean and confess that i never even made it through the second season of “Breaking Bad.”  i would like to think that i can watch anything but actually i’m a wuss when it comes to bloody violence.

So the movie starts out with this awkward and funny character who is a cold blooded killer and soon the brains are splashing everywhere and Rita walks out of the room.  i’m however locked into the screen as i watch every possible way a human can be shot, torn, burned and blown up.

My heart is hardly beating and i’m as calm as a clam.  i’m watching the worst kind of violence but that is not what my mind is interpreting.  my eyes see the blood and guts, i hear the screams and yelling but it has no context, it has no meaning, in my mind it’s just events without a story or identification, i’m not lost in the movie and so it’s not affecting me.  My mind has created a shift.  i’m not flinching – i’m smiling.

Rita comes back into the room and says that she has had enough, please turn it off and watch it later after she’s asleep, and by the way dinner is ready!  Suddenly i feel very strange, not like myself at all, and wonder if i should be afraid.  No, i tell myself immediately, but when i feel inside of myself everything is different.  i don’t recognize myself,  recognize is the best word i can come up with but it fails.  i don’t feel like myself from the inside out.  Nevertheless i have been prepared for this so i just do what’s in front of me and get up and go to the dinner table.

After a few bites of dinner, i become more comfortable and a lightness washes over me.  Now i look inside and everything becomes very funny, hysterical, and i break out into a loud uncontrollable laughter for a long time.

i look over at Rita and she is looking at me like “what the hell is going on here” and there’s nothing i can do.  It continues for awhile longer and then calms down.  i’m very aware that this was an expression as a result  of a loss of identification and i communicate this to Rita; she sends over a understanding smile and we settled back into dinner.

I glance over again at Rita and she looks calmer, i’m glad because i can feel how the absurdness has pushed her to the limit.  i decide to wait to tell her how my operational manual just got flushed down the toilet again leaving me right smack in the middle of my new favorite place…the unknown.


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