let thy will be done the ultimate surrender

The most beautiful words with their magnificent meanings and melodies are yet still words and concepts and thereby fall short of the reality of how we get to know ourselves.  The past descriptions of my many evenings in the tub are standing up to testify tonight as i find myself struggling with the worst of all my hive attacks; stripped of all my bliss and physical comfort.  i still have my inner peace but that doesn’t shield me from the pain (spoiler alert?)  As i write this post somewhere around the corner of 5:30am, still falling into the depths of the unknown, the only words i can find are “let thy will be done the ultimate surrender.”  

That’s the time when the mind is in it’s wheelhouse, when words and memories fail, and the body shivers with unrelenting pain and discomfort.  When the body takes us to new levels of the unknown we respond with a brand new set of why’s and what for’s.  “Hasn’t it been enough?”  i’ve forgiven this a million times with surrender and still more of the same with no respite, just the quite chill of the unknowable.

That’s where i am right now in this very moment.  As i laid in the tub, a hour ago, i tried to think of reasons and solutions when i came to the conclusion that any mindful observation was only an illusion not to mention the battle that went on in my mind.  I told myself that i know who i truly am, so why is this happening?  When i reminded myself that this will pass if i continue to love myself and surrender through this rough spot i immediately understood that it was my “spiritual ego” talking and i knew then that this new level of unknowing was not going to be calmed with beautiful words and images.  It dawned on me that perhaps i will never really understand it beyond the notion of integration.

As i dragged myself out of the tub i began to repeat “let thy will be done.”   The ego would come in and say “hey, this is going to be a great post” – “let thy will be done!”  “Why don’t you meditate?” – “let thy will be done!”  “Okay, but this pain is worst than before you must have shingles”  “LET THY WILL BE DONE!” was my only reply.

Ahh yes, but that quite chill of the unknown seems to be there in whatever re-iteration of awakening i may find myself in.  It never ceases to create a ripple in the matrix of my body and even with all the pain and discomfort i find some strange comfort in knowing that nothing is ever the same and that Awakening will never get old and boring.

Grazie Dio


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