fading identification

I got some temp work last week and realized very quickly that I had stepped into the “office from hell.”  It was a situation where everything and everyone was in a state of confusion, pretending that every thing was okay.  The confusion was pervasive.  While I would have worked my self to the bone, in the past, I just did as much as I could and never lost my energy, cool, and sense of self. 

This challenge brought out a very clear understanding. I realized that my suffering, in the past, was the result of taking some unconscious “ownership” of the chaos. I’m not talking about a cognitive ownership. Words fail me here.  In this new POV (point of view) I didn’t identified with the chaos, the “true me,” said, “I’m not that” end of story. What was so awesome was that this “knowing” came spontaneously without any thinking. I only realized it later, after the fact.

This is where I feel this journaling is so useful to me. It is helping me to understand that although I feel like the old me, I’m not! It’s as if the operating manual for Ed Fox is fading away, in pieces, and re-appearing as something new – some time later.  I have to go out into the world and relearn how to be.

That is the best way I can describe it for now.

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