“What’s wrong?” my wife Rita asks as i realized that i couldn’t quite hide my angst and frustration from her for very long. i’ve been quiet, all day, moving about the house from my office to the kitchen and back to my desk or meditation chair, as if changing the scenery would answer the critical doubt following me around like a hound dog on the scent. “How do i handle and work with the spiritual longing that still floats up from the ocean of my heart’s desire to experience that unbounded “no self” 24/7.” The longing had moved me into sadness and i was besides myself .
i never thought that it could happen, and yet it had. It wasn’t until the next day when the heaviness lifted that I could see the dynamics of what had transpired. i’m still laughing at the audacity behind such a request as i know how truly blessed i am to have all that has come to me so far. So looking back, after the fact, it “would” seems obvious and harmless; a lapse in memory, a forgetting that there is a divine plan that is in play, that insures my success inspite of myself. What i didn’t realize is that this very same plan includes my total uniequivical power to choose how, when and where the fulfillment of this plan will play out.
my experience has shown me that my desire for complete realization is fueled not by the mind’s design but by my soul’s innate desire to abide in my true self in this lifetime (one segment of the divine plan.) Every thought and desire and longing leads me closer to discovering the truth of who i am very much like a challenging video game. You get killed a zillion times before winning the game however with every death you learn something new about the game. There is always another chance and you could put the game aside for later it’s all up to you because the game is always ready when you are to pick it up and try again. Could God actually be the supreme game master?… You bet she is.
While my longing is expressing itself in my mind, fueled by my desire, my ego tampers with it as it filters into my awareness. That’s what happened the other day. i felt the longing and with a little help from my ego i decided to entertain the idea that i should feel sorry for myself, something to feel sad about, a red herring to divert my awareness from remaining still in silent knowing.
I felt the tear and the squeezing in my heart and boom! i took the bait like a big marlin on the line – the hook (poor me I’ll never wake up fully it’s too hard) sunk deep into my jaw as i now became aware that i was fighting with an illusion which i created. Before the tear dropped off my check i realized my error of identifying with the though and i was free; as if my consciousness just changed the channel and my true self popped up on my game screen and i relaxed observing the hook effortlessly fall out of my mouth returning me to the deep peace of the true self.
What i suddenly cognized, a knowing without thinking, was that my true reality is always here and that seeking it is useless; that it is much better to bypass the obstacles to it’s perception then create more “doing” to seek what is already here.
The knowing and conviction that we can call off the search for our true self is so freeing and telling. We can trust in a divine plan that will return us to ourselves, our place in the world, our lasting happiness, and to God.
Blessings & Love
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